Ring out the old, ring in the new!

2012 Here we come!!
This is probably my last post for 2011 and I have been reflecting on all that has happen this past year. This year has had many ups and downs and honestly has been the most difficult of my life. Just this week God has reminded me again that He is in control, and guiding us every step of the way. I have had great news. I received notice that Aidan will be receiving funding for RDI through the regional center, which is a huge financial help. I also have an appointment with one of the top DAN! docs in the country, who has a wellness center just for children with autism. Dr. Jerry Kartzinel authored a book with Jenny McCarthy on autism as well as treated her son Evan. I feel very blessed that we were able to get in with him. I also received Aidan's diagnostic report yesterday and it stated that Aidan's cognitive skills were at 27 months and his receptive and expressive language at 18 and 19 months. Wow! Just 9 months ago he was reported to be at a 3 to 6 month level in these same categories. Look how far we have come in just 9 months! It has taken a lot of hard work, but it paid off. I look forward to seeing this continued improvement in 2012!

I am excited to ring in a new year full of blessings and it will only continue to get better from here. As I conclude, I want to share a few statements I find encouraging.

"Never waste time asking yourself "why me?" Instead ask "why not me?".

"Run away from toxic people. Instead surround yourself with others who support you and want you to succeed".

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trial of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". James 1:2-4

2012 is going to be a fantastic year!

Poop!

The discussion of poop has been quite common in our household these days. It is a well known fact that children with autism have some major G.I. issues. There has been some scientific studies which prove this. We have dealt with loose bowels most of Aidan's first two years of life, and then we finally got his gut back on track. Out of the blue these last two weeks he has been severely constipated. This is absolutely no fun for any of us, especially him. We have tried, prunes, apple juice, laxatives, etc. We even had to give him several enemas which were incredibly traumatic for him. He had the shakes and sweats, when he was trying to push it out, as well as screaming out in pain. It was incredibly difficult to watch him go through this and to be honest it took away my own appetite for days. We now seem to be out of the woods thanks to depositories and Miralax. Those two combinations have really made a difference.

After these last two weeks of thinking about poop every minute of the day, I am relieved to think of a wonderful Christmas ahead and Aidan can enjoy opening his presents without out feeling like poop. No pun intended.

The Family Bonds

The insensitivity certain family members have shown to Aidan's autism continues to astound me. I feel that the hardening of a person's heart is the only thing that could allow such behavior. Especially to an innocent child such as Aidan, as well as two parents who are suffering through this diagnosis.

I received an incredibly condescending email today from family members regarding Aidan's autism. The beginning of the email lifted themselves up by professing themselves to be loving encouragers these last several months, rather than dismissing my concerns of Aidan even having autism. Yes these are the same individuals who I quote told me "Aidan does not have autism". I have written about these people in my previous blogs and they continue to spew their hurtful venom. Not only are they now making themselves out to be martyrs, but they mock my son's diagnosis. The final blow to this message was the discussion of vaccines. Mind you I have never said I am against vaccines, but I do feel they have played a role in Aidan's autism. I was told in this email, that I do not know the cause for Aidan's autism. How dare they!!!!!!! Who has the right to tell a mother who knows her child better than anyone and has watched his development day by day since the moment of his birth. How dare speak for me, or for the thousands of mother's who feel the same way I do.

Unfortunately the bonds of family can be destroyed by many things and this happens everyday. Infidelity, lies, divorce, betrayal, disease, and in this case autism. It just astounds me that these bonds have been broken by the same people who have once claimed to love Aidan. Aidan will fortunately never know these people because they will never see him again...........except maybe one day when he graduates college and they are lucky enough to get a picture of his face in the mail. I will continue to pray for the hearts of those who have hurt us so badly, and that they may feel remorse for their actions. As this year comes to an end, it is amazing to see the journey I have been on. I know in the depths of my heart that I can hold my head high as a mother. I have put my armor on as a true mommy warrior and nobody will ever take that from me. I WILL win this battle and I WILL honor my son in doing so. He is most important through all this, and that is a BOND that they will never break.

Aidan's Diagnosis

We had Aidan's diagnostic psych evaluation done a couple days ago, and he was diagnosed with autism. I knew this day was coming, but it still felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. This diagnosis is really for the best because it allows us to get lots more funding for Aidan's services as well as gives us more opportunities for better services. The Doctor felt that Aidan was on the milder side of autism, but because these are the exact children who fall through the cracks, she wanted to make sure she diagnosed him with full autism rather than ASD. She definitely noticed all the improvement from the previous evaluation she did last spring. She also encouraged me to feel free to come back when he is five and have this diagnosis reversed, which I fully plan on doing. I have so much hope and will never give up on my son. I have already watched miraculous changes in him since we started this journey, and I know that this diagnosis will allow us even more opportunities to recover Aidan. When I feel the stabbing pain in my heart that autism has caused I also remind myself that my strength and love for my son is more powerful that any disease. Most of all I know that God will empower me to do anything and defeat this for my child. I love you my son and I will never give up.

Watching a Miracle Unfold

I am seeing a miracle unfold before my eyes! We have increased our B-12 shots to every other day and WOW! Aidan has been repeating so many words, and the list of words he has said has multiplied triple! It's not just the language. His understanding, engagement, and overall behavior had been amazing. I have days that go by when I forget that he even is on the spectrum.

I will say "mommy is so happy" and Aidan says "happy". Craig walks in his room in the morning and Aidan says "daddy!". So wonderful to hear those words. Aidan will see me walk into a room and he says "hi" or "mommy".

We are having the big psych evaluation done next week and I am honestly not sure what the diagnosis will be. Aidan has improved soooo much, I am not sure what they will say. Most likely he will be diagnosed with PDD. We will have to see. Whatever it is, I can handle it, because we have overcome his original diagnosis which was "high risk autism".

We have come so far that I have the strength to face anything now!

I have included a video of Aidan saying "mommy". This video was taking at the beginning of his language emerging. It is even better now!

Mother Warriors

There are all sorts of mother warriors out there, not just mother's battling autism. I received a letter in the mail this week from a family friend who is an amazing mother herself. This mother has a child with cystic fibrosis. I can only imagine that she barely has time to herself to read a book, take a shower, or even catch up on her favorite t.v. shows. Yet she took the time to write me one of the most encouraging letters. She shared that she thinks of me at least three times a week, and when she does she prays for me. Isn't that amazing? This mother who has suffered so much, in and out of hospitals, grinding her son's medicines, and a list of the other daily tasks, has found the time to pray for me. It just shows how us mother's (well most) are able to sympathize with one another and feel each other's burdens and pain. I have met so many moms along this journey who have truly sympathized with our pain as well as remind us of what we have to be grateful for. To all the mothers out there........thank you! I draw from your strength, perseverance, love, and it makes me a stronger mother!

ARI Conference in Las Vegas

Craig and I just got back from the ARI conference in Las Vegas. The Autism Research Institute believes that autism is treatable and these children CAN get better. Once again this was an emotional roller coaster of a weekend for us. One of the highlights, was getting to meet the founder of TACA Lisa Ackerman. She is also one of the featured mothers in Jenny McCarthy's book "Mother Warriors".

Another highlight of the seminar for me was the hope for recovery. One of the lectures we listened to focused on how these children do get better. The speaker showed a video of a little boy who began biomedical interventions when he was 20 months old. He had many of the same issues Aidan has, and now he is five years old in a mainstream classroom and his teachers don't even know he once had autism. This video really was emotional for me to watch. I just felt so grateful that we have intervened so early for Aidan. Thank God we didn't listen to all the doctors and people who told us "he is a boy" or "he'll grow out of it, he is only two". Because we began so quickly the biomedical interventions, we have significantly raised our chances at a full recovery. Aidan meets the criteria for a child to make a full recovery, and I am so thankful for that. I have also learned lots of information about biomedical interventions and much I have learned has reaffirmed that Dr. Centers had lead us in the right direction. He knows what he is doing, and that makes us feel very confident in our DAN! doctor. In conclusion, it was a wonderful weekend and very uplifting. Craig and I finished the weekend with a nice lunch in front of the fountain show at the Bellagio. We both thought of Aidan, and how he would have love to seen it. We will take him there sometime in the near future.

TACA Superhero Event

We recently attended a wonderful event for the organization TACA which stands for "Talk About Curing Autism".

This event was much more joyful than the "autism speaks" walk. It seemed as if the children were much happier, and to be honest it was hard to tell which children even have autism.

I felt really uplifted about my journey to recovering Aidan and I am definitely interested in attending more of the TACA support groups and events.

Continuing to Improve

Aidan is continuing to improve daily. We are busy playing catch up. Though we are mostly taking steps forward, we still have our moments. I daily have my moments of sadness but it is getting better. For example, I am no longer avoiding play dates with my friends and their children. Although it is still hard to have a direct comparison of what Aidan is not doing, I no longer drive home in tears. I guess the thing I miss most is the invitation to play. My girlfriend's daughter invites me to sit and play with her, and I wish so badly I could hear those words come out of Aidan's mouth. I know I will someday.

Another great progress is Aidan has started a two year old pre-school class. God has lead us to this school and this particular classroom, and I really think Aidan will benefit from being in a classroom setting. It makes me happy to hear the teachers tell me how well he is doing and improving everyday. Its been three weeks and even the teachers notice how Aidan continues to get better. Everyday I try to remember to be grateful. Grateful for hope, recovery and my Aidan.

Autism Speaks Walk 2011

This last Saturday was our first walk for autism. It was through the organization "autism speaks". It was a very emotional day for Craig and I. It was hard to see so many children affected by this epidemic. I found that this organization doesn't promote recovery for autism as much as I would hope they would. The next walk I want to do is through TACA, which is a "talk about curing autism".

Even though "autism speaks" was not necessarily the ideal organization for me, it was still good to be around others who are going through what we are. It is amazing when you talk to other parents, how many of our kids share the same symptoms, such as rashes, leaky gut, immune deficiencies, etc. These kids are really sick, and they look sick too. I saw so many children "stoned" in the strollers. One kid was intently playing an ipad, completely zoned out from the world around him. It breaks my heart to see this, yet I am more determined than ever! We have got to get the news out that there is hope and there is recovery!!!

Thank you for all the love and support shown on Saturday for Aidan, it is truly amazing those who have come forward to help!

Diet

I received the most encouraging email this weekend and it really made my day! A friend of mine has a son a little older than Aidan, who has been struggling with some similar developmental issues. We had a play date a while back and we discussed the GFCF diet, DAN protocol, etc. She decided to go ahead and put her son on the GFCF diet. Well, she wrote me an email letting me know that they have completely gone GFCF and it has changed her son's life. The improvement with him was profound, and she shared that she no longer worries about many of the things she worried about before. When I read her email I got goosebumps. It is so amazing the effect diet can have on our kids. Whether it is ADHD, ASD, PDD or any other developmental delay, it is imperative to look at what we our feeding our kids. The gut brain connection is so strong! I just feel so encouraged to hear another success story and wish more parents out there knew about this. If I can make a difference in one child's life through all that has happen to us, then it is worth it. Yay!!!!

Kisses

Had a wonderful weekend with Aidan and it ended even better tonight with a kiss. We ending our day watching Dora on the bean bag and Aidan looked me in the eyes and kissed me on the cheek. He even made the adorable "pucker" sound. This was such an amazing moment for me. Of course I starting crying and then he is looking at me like "why are you crying mommy".

I got some great advice recently from Marie when she told me that Aidan understands and remembers more than we may realize. I feel that is so true and I have been really keeping that in mind. I really felt tonight how much Aidan really loves me and that means so much to me!! The best feeling in the world!!! I am slowly but surely getting my Aidan back!

Great Weekend!

This has been such an encouraging weekend! I have really focused all my attention and energy back on Aidan and I am seeing so many wonderful accomplishments. For example, he has gained about 3 to 5 new words, just this weekend. He has been able to point out all the words in our "first words" book, and I have discovered how much Aidan remembers. We had lunch with Marie on Friday. I have mentioned Marie in my previous blogs, and she is such a source of strength and encouragement for me. Talk about a true mother warrior. Meeting with her was a great start to a wonderful weekend of feeling encouraged about Aidan.

I have also been seeing Liam (my one year old son) making some huge leaps and bounds in his language and comprehension. Liam has about five words already, he turns when his name his called, and he understands so much. This is really fun for me because I am experiencing this for the first time. I really feel that Aidan hit the toxic threshold around 10 to 12 months, therefore I did not get to enjoy this the first time around. These last few days have been so awesome with both my boys and I am thankful! Thankful that Aidan is doing so much better, and thankful that Liam is moving right along and I discovered all this so that Liam will never be injured as Aidan has. So many wonderful things to look forward to!

Detoxing the Hurt

We have had some conflict with certain family members in recent months over the situation with Aidan. After a weekend of arguments, Craig and I took Aidan swimming at my parent's pool. After swimming I set him in a pack n play for a moment while I went to go get him a change of clothes. When I returned, I noticed that he had pooped and was sitting in his own feces with out even noticing, let alone telling me. This made me cry. My son is 2 1/2! Then on Tuesday, Aidan probably had about 7 to 10 bowel movements and was just feeling terrible. The rash on his bottom from this had actually burned through his skin. I can't tell you how hard it is to watch my precious son going through this. I realized that Aidan is the one who is truly suffering here. Those who have hurt us or been against us with Aidan will no longer effect me. It is no longer about that, it is all about Aidan. I decided to detox the pain and hurt I have with others just as Aidan is detoxing all that is hurting his body and brain. We have come so far and even though these last few days have been a step back we are taking many more forward!

Witnessing a Miracle Part 2

Another wonderful day for Aidan. This is a different child I am witnessing. He is so aware of his surroundings. He requests for me to interact and play with him. He is following directions and is overall feeling so much better. One of our recent RDI objectives for Aidan is to imitate. We have been working on him imitating Craig and I. This video shows how he did it! Three times he imitated me. This is another example of how quickly Aidan is progressing. Our RDI consultant is amazed at the changes she is seeing. It is truly miraculous. I have attached a video of Aidan imitating me.

Witnessing a Miracle

After about a week of the b-12 shots we are seeing huge changes in Aidan. It is like witnessing these little miracles everyday. Today he said "banana" when wanting a banana. I also asked him to say ball and he did! His comprehension has just skyrocketed these last few weeks and he is understanding so much of what I say. I thank God everyday for answering so many prayers in healing my precious son. It truly is watching a miracle.

I've attached a video to show how much more vocal Aidan has become. I know I am using many directives in this video, I just really wanted to capture him saying "banana". He didn't say it like earlier today, but I still want to share this video because it is so encouraging to see the change in Aidan.

Turning the Corner

Eating his dinner after a pool day. In a Chair!!!
I think we have turned the corner with the nystatin. The week of craziness has ended and the results are SIGNIFICANT! Aidan's comprehension has skyrocketed these last few days. He even sat down and ate his dinner at a table. Today he sat down in a chair for a good twenty minutes while playing at his table. I couldn't believe it. This is coming from a child who could not sit still for less than a minute in my arms, let alone a chair. I am shouting for someone to grab a camera so I can capture this. I know Gail our RDI consultant would have a huge smile across her face if she saw this! I did capture this on camera and the photo is above.

I also am so excited because our B-12 shots came in the mail today. I think that this is really going to help Aidan with his language and he will start talking. It is so amazing to watch this recovery taking place before my very eyes and I know that it is because of all the prayers, love and support we have received from so many! For anyone who is reading this and thinking to yourself "what is nystatin and b-12 shots????".

I would recommend reading "Healing and Preventing Autism" by Dr. Jerry Kartzinel and Jenny McCarthy. A complete guide on prevention and healing.

Ten steps forward!

After Wednesday I was preparing myself for a couple weeks of wild child. Today I had a pleasant surprise. Aidan had a fantastic day! We went over to my sister's this afternoon and not once did Aidan play in the dirt. His usual consuming behavior was gone! I couldn't believe it. He played with Elizabeth, followed my directions, and comprehended so much! I felt like I was truly beginning to be his mommy, his guide who he trusts and looks to for direction. I felt so encouraged. I thank God for days like this because they really give me that extra push I need to keep fighting the fight. To see that all we are doing is working!

Lost Time

Today was a terrible day with Aidan. I don't even know this child I saw today. I know this is a result of the yeast coming out of his body and the doctor told us to expect this, but I didn't think it would be this bad. He is this wild child who is throwing things at our heads and smacking us in the face. He has a tantrum at every little thing, and is beyond frustrated at his lack of abilility to communicate with us. He is making this screaming noise that sounds like it is coming straight out of a horror movie. As difficult as this is, I know it means that the nystatin is working!

I feel that Craig and I have entered a new stage in our recovery of Aidan. First it was denial and now it is anger. I am ANGRY! Angry that I have lost this time with my son. This is the time when we are suppossed to be enjoying our child at this age. Time when we should be talking with our friends about the silly little things he said or did today. Instead we are parents with little benefits. I know that sounds harsh to say, but any parent knows that when you put a tremendous effort into your child you reap the rewards. Just like putting a ton of planning into a party or a trip to disneyland to see the joy and reaction on your child's face. Instead, we decline invitations to go do things like the beach because we know how difficult it is. I know this sounds depressing, but I created this blog to help others as well as help myself and sometimes it helps me to vent on here. So I will end with this, I know that I will never get the lost time back with my child, but I know that because of the path we are on now, I will have many beautiful moments in the future to look forward to.

Give Thanks in all Circumstances

I continue to be encouraged by all the people who have reached out to us during this difficult time. Many who have never met Aidan have written me to tell me they are praying for us. Friends have even changed the way they vaccinate their own children because of Aidan's story.

I feel so encouraged to have so much love and support. Tonight I received another letter of support at just the right time.

I finally received my written evaluation results from the P.h.d who evaluated Aidan several months ago (the San Diego regional center takes a LONG time), and I was wondering if I ever was going to get them. Although I already knew what the results and the referral was, it was still hard to see it in writing. When I saw the diagnosis box next to "autism" checked, my stomach turned. (Although they will not give a formal diagnosis till 3 years old.)

As I continued to open the mail I saw a good friend of the family had written me. This card was saturated with the most inspiring words and scripture. I just want to share a few parts that touched me the most. She wrote to me............."In the ever-changing circumstances of life, there is a faithful never changing God in control. Their isn't a detail that escapes His eye, a trial that doesn't touch His heart. Every moment of your life is in His care, and He will lift you upon eagles wings to soar above the storm."

She finished her letter with one of my favorite scriptures. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So tonight I give thanks to all of you, and you know who you are, who have reached out to us during this storm. May His presence be your peace, as it is mine.

I won't let go

We are in the second week of the nystatin. This is removing all the overgrowth of yeast in Aidan's intestines and it is literally coming out of his pores. He has a rash on his face and isn't feeling himself, but that is to be expected since his body is detoxing all the yeast. While we have had a tough week, the most wonderful thing happen tonight. I was laying on the bean bag in the playroom watching Dora with Aidan. I closed my eyes for a moment to drift off asleep and I open them to see Aidan looking at me. He then proceeded to climb on me to cuddle and put his cheek next to mine. He layed with me for the rest of the show! He has never been that affectionate with me before, and he actually wanted to cuddle! I feel so happy.

There has been this Rascal Flatts song that is my song to Aidan. As I lay cuddling with Aidan these words of the song came to mind............."I will stand by you, I will help you through, when you've done all you can do and you can't cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight, and I won't let go.

What could have been.

We went to see Dr. Centers today for a weekly treatment for Aidan. Every time I sit in the waiting room I see an array of children that the Osteopathic Center is treating. It is always heartbreaking to see these children who suffer from many different illnesses and many of them are much worse than Aidan. But today really affected me. I saw a little boy who was autistic. I'm guessing he was about 7 years old. As I sat there and watched him pacing the waiting room, opening and closing the door, clicking his mouth, and flapping his hands, I could not help but think to myself "could this be Aidan in 5 years?". Then I have to remind myself that this will not be Aidan in five years because we are doing something right now. So many parents wait. Waiting is the worst thing we could do because time is precious! We didn't listen to all those who told us "he is fine", "I'm not worried" or just flat out "he doesn't have autism".

To all those parents out there like me, I am sure you would agree that that is the worst thing people can tell you. Especially when you know there is something wrong with your child. It is like a slap in the face. It completely invalidates all we are doing to help Aidan. Did the parents of the boy in the waiting room listen to all the fools that told them "he is fine"? It just makes me so angry. My message to all the moms like me out there is to always listen to your motherly instinct and not what any one else tells you. Sure I wanted to think my son was fine, but deep inside I knew he was not. The sooner we can acknowledge there is something not right going on with our children the sooner we can help them. To ignore this is truly doing them an injustice. Every time I go to the Osteopathic center I see a reminder of what Aidan could have been and it breaks my heart. But pushes me to never give up.

Legoland

We went to lego land last week with Aidan and we had such a great time. Normally when Craig and I would take Aidan to an amusement park we would leave with either me in tears or us both fighting. Let's just say at times it was pure torture. This trip was different. This was a different little boy. The best part of the day was when Aidan sat on Craig's shoulders and watched an entire show. It got even better when Aidan began to laugh at the funny parts. Yes, he actually got the humor! In Craig's words "I almost fell to my knees when I heard my son chuckling on my shoulders....then laughing even harder and harder as the joke got funnier." It was such a great moment for Craig. This was a day that we really got to enjoy our son. Something that I've been missing for a long time.

I got a hug!

I am so encouraged to see my Aidan continuing to improve! Today was such an amazing day because Aidan gave me a hug! We were sitting in the play room and he put his arms around my neck and hugged me! Danielle and I just looked at each other in awe. I said "did you see that?" and she said "I sure did. And that was a deliberate hug!". I think I was in shock. Then after Danielle left, he hugged me again!

Our current protocol is as follows: GFCF diet, polyzymes, probiotics, Super B5, Immupro, Glutathione (lotion), juva cleanse, Saccharomyces Boulardii, and we will soon be giving him Nystatin. This may seem incredibly overwhelming to any parent reading this, but with the help of a DAN! doctor, it is actually quite doable. Especially if your a parent like me who is willing to do whatever it takes to get a hug from their child. Guess what......I got one. So worth it!

Informative Week!

Two very interesting moments happen this last week. A family friend mentioned to me that her neighbor had a son who recovered from autism. She gave me the mother's number and I called her. This women had a wealth of knowledge and I felt like I was talking to Jenny McCarthy herself. We talked for an hour and a half and I could have kept going. I learned so many wise things from this wonderful lady and the best part of the conversation was when we figured out our sons both have the same DAN! doctor! I should mention again that her son is now top of his class and those that know him would never guess where he was at a few years ago. How encouraging is that? Just proof to me again that God is paving the road for us in Aidan's recovery. She mentioned to me that her son was given a prescription for nystatin that removes the yeast from the intestines. After he was given this, he showed major improvements. Dr. Centers just prescribed this for Aidan! I am looking forward to seeing even more improvement in Aidan once we remove the yeast overload from his body.

The other interesting moment this week was when I took Liam to his 9 month doctor appointment. This must be a new protocol that they do for 9 month olds.......an iron test. Basically they prick their big toe, get some blood on a strip, stick it in a machine that they have right there in the office, then pop back in a minute later and tell you your child's hemoglobin score. It literally took under 3 minutes to do this. I thought to myself......."how easily they could do this same test on a newborn to test their glutathione levels". Glutathione is a natural antioxidant that the body produces. Children with autism tend to have a lower amount of this antioxidant in their bodies. If we test for this and the child's levels are low, then we would think twice about injecting them with so many vaccinations. The child's immune system may not be able to handle it. How easily we could test for this. Just as easily as the hemoglobin test. If this kind of test could help us avoid all these kids with ASD, then why not? Something tells me it has to do with money. Its all about money, and as of right now the pharmaceutical companies are making a hell of a lot of money off vaccines! God forbid we try to take any away!

Prayers for Aidan

I got a phone call from my dear friend Joni last week. Joni is my college room mate who is truly a kindred spirit. Her and I have always been on the same page in every aspect of our lives. It always seems that we go through difficult moments at the exact same time in our lives. Although they are different struggles, we are able to find strength in one other. I wish so badly she lived closer because I love her dearly. Anyway, she called me in the morning and her voice sounded excited and eager. "Hi Bina" she said with her southern accent. She begins to tell me that her mother woke up in the middle of the night last night with Aidan on her heart. If anyone knows Joni's mom, this woman has a direct link to God. She is a saint. She felt that God led her to some scripture about Aidan and she wanted Joni to share them with me. Joni did. I read them right away. I love that the message of all I read was "hope". Hope in knowing that God will heal Aidan. This is something that I really needed to be reminded of. Once again an example of how God always brings my dear Joni in my life to remind me of what's important. I also think it is so amazing that Joni's mom, who has never even met Aidan, cares so much that the thought of him wakes her in the night. What a special woman she is.

We don't belong here!

Tonight was a difficult night for me. We went over for a play date at Eva's and Aidan was consumed in playing in the dirt. Yes boys love dirt. Yet this was beyond the actions of a typical boy. He was consumed with the dirt and laying it on each leaf of the plant. This consuming activity drew him away from interacting with his cousin as well as playing with any other fun activities. I repeatedly tried my RDI tactics to pull him away from it with no success. Frustrated we went inside. I guess the tipping point of the night was after bath. He refused to let me put his jammies on. He would not stop trying to get me to turn the fan on and off, on and off, on and off. I lost it! Enough already! Why are these static actions consuming my son? Why does this take precedent over interacting with his mother, cousin, aunt, and family? Why? Why? Why? Yes I know why

Still, I look at my niece and long for Aidan to be like her. I wish she was my own child and then I have this overwhelming amount of guilt for feeling that way. I don't belong here. This is not how my life was meant to be. Then I realize Aidan doesn't belong here either. He is the one who is truly trapped! We have both been thrown into a world we don't belong in. The world of autism.

Mother's Day 2011

Mother's Day 2011This was my first mother's day with my two boys and it was wonderful! I am so thankful to have Aidan and Liam and love being their mother. This last year has been my most challenging as a mother. It has molded me into a different person than I was before. I feel that I have a new gratefulness and appreciation for all that life brings me. When I feel despair, I remind myself that things could be much worse, and there are so many people out there suffering much more than I am. If those people have the incredible strength to get through their hardships, you bet I can as well. And with that comes the steadfast determination that I have never felt till now.

That being said, this was a very emotional mother's day for me. My gifts made it even more emotional. Craig gave me a beautiful engraved watch from Aidan and Liam.

Eva presented me with a necklace that was engraved with "mother warrior" "Aidan 2011". Of course that sent me into a flood of tears, in which sent all the mothers at the table into a flood of tears as well. It was a beautiful moment. One I will never forget.

Happy Mother's Day.

It's working!

Aidan is continuing to improve daily. He now says "doggy" and "hot". He also is able to comprehend much more than he previously could. We went to the P.h.d child psychiatrist for an evaluation. She felt that Aidan was at risk for autism, but she was very encouraged by all the good signs she saw as well. I left there feeling encouraged and even more determined to keep moving forward with RDI, the diet, and DAN! protocol. In her words "what your doing is working".

Test Results!

The urine results for Aidan came in and Wow! His urine showed he is highly acidic with a yeast overgrowth in his intestines. He also has several toxic metals in his body! I held the results in disbelief. This is it. The proof was in my hands. My child is like all those children I read about. He has fallen victim to the immunizations, toxins, etc. He is sick and we have to get him better. He can recover!!! Those test results removed any doubt I had that this was not something we can cure. We are going to recover Aidan. I am more determined than ever.

Dreams Do Come True

I repeatedly have this same dream. The dream is that I am laying in bed and all of sudden Aidan comes in my room and says "hi mommy". I am shocked when I hear it and turn to Craig and say "did you hear what he just said?". We both run and hug Aidan and I begin crying tears of happiness.

I wake many mornings after having this same dream and realize that it was all just a dream and I am back in this nightmare. Then I cry for a little while. I long so badly to hear those words. Words that most mothers take for granted every day.

Just the simple words "hi mommy".

I know someday this dream will come true. I will never lose hope. We've already gotten so far, I can't give up now.

The Marathon Begins

Aidan after a few weeks of the GFCF diet and a week into the biomedical intervention.
I have to speed forward a couple weeks. Thanks to Eva's suggestion, we began a GFCF diet right away. I really didn't know much about it but I thought I'd give it a try. We also got in touch with a DAN! doctor (defeat autism now!) and began a DAN protocol for Aidan. We started see changes right away. Aidan began pointing for the first time. He also seemed to make eye contact with us in a way he never did before. It was like he could really see us. He was looking deep in our eyes like he never did before. It was so encouraging to see that the fog was lifting.

On top of the DAN protocol, we starting meeting with Gail and the TAG organization. They really opened our eyes to how we as parents could begin to help Aidan communicate. Gail was such an encouragement to us in enforcing early intervention to truly help Aidan. We began the RDI program. All of this started in March of 2011. As Gail says "this is a marathon, not a sprint".

This was the mantra I have repeated in my mind each day when I get frustrated or sad. I also have to remind myself that God had gotten us this far and He is going to keep us going!

Sometimes it takes a good slap in the face to come to your senses. It starts with the music class. Well, I should say the music class teacher. Miss Kara had seen my frustration with Aidan and my frustration with evaluation after evaluation to only be told that Aidan needs speech therapy. Kara gave my sister the book "Mother Warriors" written by Jenny Mcarthy. A book about many mothers who have had the strength to recover their children from autism. This set in motion a series of events that got us truly started to healing Aidan. Kara had the courage to give this book to my sis and Eva read it and thought to herself "my God this is my nephew"!!

It took Eva courage to then give me the book and share with me that she felt Aidan had ASD. I definitely fought it at first. I denied it and told her she was wrong, etc. She patiently waited and just prayed that God would bring me to my senses so I could stop wasting time and help Aidan. God answered her prayers. The final turning point was a pedicure. Yes a pedicure! My dear manicurist Nayer gave me a video about a group call TAG (the autism group). I fought her on it, but she said "just take the video!". I went home, watched it, and immediately call the organization and that's when I met Gail. I will talk more about her later. Amazing how God provides for us. It was all coming together for Aidan!

Hitting home.....well almost.

Aidan repeatedly hitting light switch

So when did it hit home that there was something going on with Aidan? Well that depends on who you ask. For me I really noticed around 18 months. Aidan had maybe spoken 1 word at the time and it seemed that he could not comprehend anything I was saying to him. He never responded to his name and he rarely acknowledged or prefered me from others. The repetitious behaviors were becoming more frequent. Endless times I would pull in the driveway from music class and sit and cry in my car out of frustration and sadness. Aidan was more interested in the door knob and looking out the window then participating in this amazing musical class. Why? Why? That was a question brought up at family gatherings, only to be told "he is a boy" or "he is immature" or my favorite "he will grow out of it". Others were concerned but kept quiet for the moment not completely sure themselves if something was really wrong with Aidan. Deep down I knew, but no mother wants to acknowledge that there is something different with her child. So for now lets just say that at this point it was still far from hitting home for me. Until God aligned everything so perfectly that I would come to the realization that I need to help my son.....and fast!

That darn toy!

The top photo is Aidan playing alone at 15 months

The bottom photo is my happy boy at 6 months old. How did he change?

We noticed around 10 months that Aidan began smiling less and he started showing puffiness around the eyes. He was not quite as engaging as he was at 8 months old and even 6 months old.

He became obsessed with this toy that had gears and it would spin in circles. Over and over again he would hit the button to watch the gears spin. He played with it so much that we had to replace it several times because it wore out from overuse. We didn't think anything of it at the time. I remember on his first birthday, the only way to get him to sit with me and look at his presents was to have the gear toy on mine or his lap. All I wanted was to have some pictures of him opening his presents. We did get some, thanks to his infamous gear toy. If you ever ask me what I've done with that toy today, you can ask the Escondido Disposable Collectors. The brand new one that was a gift for his little brother? I think I'll donate it.

Mommy's Worst Fear

Every mother's worst fear is that there could be something wrong with her child. We hold our newborns in our arms and think to ourselves "I made it". My child is born healthy and the hard part is done." We feel this overwhelming love for our child. The need to protect them from all the bad in the world. We are tigers for our cubs and we want the very best for them to reach their full potential in life. We look at every "milestone" at each age..... 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 18 months, etc. We browse down the checklist eagerly making sure that our child meets each objective. As we check off each one we breathe a sigh of relief and say to ourselves "thank goodness my child is fine". That was my life until my precious son Aidan stopped meeting those important milestones. My happy, smiling, content little boy began to change.